I think it’s a combination of both. I’m an idiot and she feels crappy about herself for having married me. No, it’s not that simple, that’s just how I feel. It is a combination of both though. She is someone who gets bored with things easily, especially if they do not totally go her way. She starts things and whether successful with them or not, rarely sticks with them beyond a point where she feels she’s no longer getting any kind of novelty/amusement/enjoyment out of them. I can’t tell you the number of times I come home from working and she’s saying she’s sick & tired of the kids & goes running off somewhere to let me take care of them for the rest of the night, and yet she’s harping about wanting a third baby (which would be difficult since I had a vasectomy after our second, at her request). Like she’s given up on the two we have! It’s hard to believe we’ve actually been together as long as we have, considering this, but this is something that I’ve only come to realize about her in the last few years. > I know from my own experience that when I feel a profound lack of > love for myself, I have a hard time showing love for someone else. Oh, I’ve *never* gotten the idea from her that she had any love for herself. On one hand she is very concerned with her public image, how others see her etc. - she doesn’t want to do anything that anyone could ever find out about & interpret badly, and make her look bad somehow. It is a almost paranoid feeling, it seems to me. It makes her seem very proud if you dont’ look too closely. But really I dont’ think she has very high self esteem either, she has a great lack of confidence in herself. It’s really difficult to explain. But I think this self loathing of hers is the source of her bitter insults to me and always has been - she can say mean & nasty things to me, even in a funny teasing way, but whenever I have tried to tease her back in a similar way, she always took GREAT offense at it and was highly insulted. Which is a lot of fun - not.
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