Relationship Columns

I have adored this man since I met him six years ago. We were constantly on a roller coaster of breaking up and making up. I discovered that he could not be trusted (I caught him cheating multiple times). I rationalized that I could still love him, as long as I saw him without blinders on and saw him for what he is and always will be. I thought that opening up the relationship to some alternative lifestyles (swinging, bdsm, "open" relationship) might give him the "spice" he needs and yet let him still be honest with me. You see, the deception is more hurtful to me than the act of him being with someone else. Him being with another woman actually turns me on. Anyway, it hasn’t really worked like I thought. I have recently caught him, still lying and cheating around. I don’t understand why he needs to do it that way when I would give him my blessing to be with whomever he wants if he would just admit it and be honest about it! I guess he enjoys the thrill of sneaking. Because I’ve been so crazy about him, I tolerated the cheating and other behaviors that should never have been tolerated. He has a mean temper and has become violent once or twice. when he’s angry he calls me terrible names. I really believe I would have left him if not for getting pregnant two years ago. Instead, I married him and now we can hardly stand each other. He is very good to the baby most of the time. As I’ve said before, our son adores him. So, to answer your questions, I believe I could win him back but at the price of my own soul. If I ignored his cheating and pretended I didn’t know, if I ignored his violent temper tantrums. I think I once thought I could get him to change, but I realize now the only changing he’s done lately is that he’s gotten worse and he doesn’t love me anymore so I have no leverage to get him to behave better.

If the love was there once then it can be there again if you both want it to be. When you have kids the marriage definately changes quality..but that’s okay….it can be just as strong, but different. Why don’t you guys sit down, decide where you would like to get to and then make a gameplan? If you give it all you got and still don’t get anywhere, maybe then start thinking about alternate solutions. That is a big problem for me with Quinn. I had a hard time even getting him to verbalize what he wanted (with or without me.) And I really can’t get him to help set up a plan of action. So where I’m at now…is to hell with him. I will work on me…for me. I absolutely don’t want to be in this same boat six months from now

My son is even the same age–18 months old. My husband and I would not have gotten married if not for the baby and we definitely would not be together now. We don’t like each other. If you were to leave and raise your daughter alone, you would manage somehow financially. Don’t let that fear alone stop you if you really feel leaving is best. Me, I can see how much my son loves having both his parents around him at home. It hurts to think of taking that away from him just because I’m unhappy. I keep thinking the ideal thing would be for us to stay together, sort of like room-mates. Separate rooms, separate lives, but both in the same house for the sake of the child. I have not come up with a way that might work out for us, though. Please let me know if you do.

It doesn’t always cost money to entertain. Some of the most romantic dates I have been on have involved very little cost, but lots of thought, which is what makes them so romantic. For example - I was taken on a date to the beach (not far away) and in the boot of the car was a guitar, a single flower (picked from someones garden), a blanket and a bottle of softdrink and two plastic glasses. We sat on the beach, while he played the guitar (he was only learning so it wasn’t brilliant but that wasnt the point) and we talked, drank our softdrink and had the best time. It was the middle of the day but the beach was quite secluded. Another time I came home and my partner had made a banner. He used a tarp he found in the garage, and masking tape. It said, Sharyn, I love you. It was huge. It covered the whole entrance to the garage. My dad (ha ha) but it was just a spontaneuous thing he did. Then we had a picnic on the carpet in our lounge with food he had made. Very cute….. If you do things like this that don’t have to cost you money, and she doesn’t appreciate them, then you know she is only interested in the money side of things and not you…..

I’m 37 and married. We have a 18 month old daughter. I discovered I was pregnant before we got married. I was told by my doctors that the chances of getting pregnant were slim to none and hadn’t used bc in 12 years…so she was quite a surprise. She is beautiful, smart and funny and really the best thing in my life right now…but Quinn and would definately not be together today if she wasn’t here. There is nothing seriously wrong…in that neither of us cheat (yet) or drink or use drugs but we really don’t like each other very much…surely don’t love each other. If it was only me that was affected, I would be gone today but the thought of chopping up my daughter’s life makes me feel like I swollowed a monkey wrench. I’m a professional but don’t make enough money to not be struggling to make it if we leave. There is a lot of fear for me in that. I am so conflicted. I will do what is right for my daughter above all else but I’m not so sure staying is the best thing. If we were able to work out an amicable separation then maybe that would be best…I’m not sure. What do you all think about living in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children?

You see i have just recently started seeing this girl that i am staioned with and the thing is that she is the wonderful girl i have ever met and i really enjoy being with her and doing things with but i am afraid that i am gonna push her away. How you ask well here goes, i have been told by several of my friends (mostly) women and they tell me that i am the sweetest and most caring guy in the world and they also tell me that i am a little to emotionally attatched to the women i date or go out with and i see this and wonder how i can change or adjust because i really like this girl and i truly believe that she is getting the feeling that any day now that i am gonna ask her to marry me just form they way i treat her and how emotional i am towards her. please help

If there’s one thing this list seems to be good for it’s puncturing gender stereotypes, in this case "what do Guys look for?" Don’t be surprised if you’re approached backstream by at least a few of our female listmembers, with whom you’ve already demonstrated at least one common interest: relationship psychology. Hell, if I were unPartnered and anywhere near Denver I might even hit on you myself :X

The arrangement:

THE ARRANGEMENT

You could have been more
Than a name on the door
On the thirty-third floor in the air
More than a credit card
Swimming pool in the backyard

While you still have the time
You could get away and find
A better life, you know the grind Is so ungrateful
Racing cars, whisky bars
No one cares who you really are
You’re the keeper of the cards
Yes I know it gets hard
Keeping the wheels turning
And the wife she keeps the keys
She is so pleased to be
A part of the arrangement

You could have been more
Than a name on the door
On the thirty-third floor in the air
More than a consumer
Lying in some room trying to die
More than a credit card
Swimming pool in the backyard
You could have been more than a name on the door
You could have been more than a name on the door
You could have been more
You could have been more
You could have been more

Poor guy. I must be a lot tougher for a guy losing his hair than for a girl with small breasts. Boobies can be bought. Anything a guy does to try and fix baldness only makes him look ridiculous. It’s rare but not impossible for a man to be attractive when he’s bald or balding. One very sexy bald man who immediately comes to mind is Terry Bradshaw. He is a man who exudes self-confidence and charisma. Another thing some men try is to go ahead and shave their head entirely, since the Kojak look is in right now. But that works more for black men than white. To me, a completely bald white man just looks like a cancer patient.


I think that anybody who exudes self-confidence and charisma is attractive. Have you ever noticed that? I have met a few women who, at first glance, I found completely unattractive. But after meeting them, I was so struck by their overall personal charm that I started to see a lot of real beauty in them. It’s like their personality caused them to actually appear physically beautiful to me and I feel like I could really fall in love with them. It sounds really weird and I can’t explain it, something about their expressiveness and their very genuine human nature. It’s extremely rare though. Very few people have that quality and the women who do are always either married or in very healthy and committed relationships. I can’t help but think that being in a good relationship gives people at least some of the confidence they need to be that way.

And equally rare are men who truly appreciate it. My Partner is one of them, and it took me damn near a year to get that through my head. I was confused (and concerned) that he claimed NOT to have a physical "type," as most men do (big breasts, or long hair, or the grrl-next-door look, or nice legs, or whatever). After a guided tour of the porno collection my Partner accumulated between splitting with his last S.O. and meeting me, I finally saw for myself that he truly DOES have no physical "type," but instead goes gaga over what we have now formulated as "women who carry themselves with pride, style, and a big shit-eating grin." And even when THOSE criteria have been met, any woman who "opens her mouth and ruins everything" (by being an obvious airhead) gets thrown right of the running, rotflmao!!!!


I think you just have to find someone with career/monetary priorities similar to your own. One of the reasons my brother broke up with his girlfriend is because her career came first. She would work 15-hour days and come home late and was always too tired to spend any time with him. He said that she would make a whole Saturday out of doing bills and financial stuff and all of the "paperwork" seemed more important to her than he did. He, on the other hand, is more interested in a simple, stress-free life. He works and is not a loaf or anything but as long as he can pay the bills and have enough money left for his simple lifestyle, he is as happy as he can be.

It seems more to me that your brother is going through a grief process (although no person has died, the relationship has). If this is the case, then he has to go through all the stages of grief in order to feel better. I think professional counseling would really help. I have been in grief counseling for the last six months and it is more that just talking. They give you things to do, medication if necessary, and direct you better than a friend would. Talking it out with a friend or even a brother is good, but a professional might be what is needed here. There are counseling centers that charge based on income, and they are just as good as the expensive places (at least in my town). In answer to question on whether women only want money. I can only answer for me. I don’t want a millionaire, however someone who is destitute comes with their own problems. I guess money does matter, somewhat.

I am currently in the first primary relationship of a 40+ year lifetime that does NOT depend on my maintaining some predetermined level of income/professional status/social status, and that only because my partner is long-viewed enough to recognize "TEMPORARY career derailment" when he sees it. Heck, my last Significant Other left me when I took a job as "only" the executive assistant to a corporate senior VP (at which job I made almost twice what he did, but with "insufficient status" to suit his fancy). IMHO, as long as the rent gets paid, and the partner’s lack of money is NOT an indicator of a habitual lack of work ethic (e.g. his/her "true calling" is simply NOT a high-paying field, or s/he is in the midst of a career change, or rebuilding after a career disaster), low income in and of itself is NOT a blanket disqualifier. But that’s just me; YMMV. Unfortunately (IMO), I do know LOTS of women to whom money and status ARE nonnegotiable criteria.

Money matters only to the extent that there is enough for rent and food. I did end a relationship in part to money. It was NOT the only or even main factor. The man was still married, a different race and had a parent he had to care for. ALL this with the fact that he had a low paying job, I ended the relationship. That was just tooooo much to overcome. You mostly talked about the money issue, but let me also add that looks including hair < a big deal for some guys loosing it> doesn’t matter either. There DOES need to be an attraction, but the guy doens’t have to be a looker < the typical tall dark built and handsom>. Personally, I prefer blue eyes to brown and a broad chest, but even that isn’t a MUST. IT is how the guy treats me and makes me feel. Will he go out of his way to see me at times? Will he tell me AND show me I am important to him??? IMHO these are the important qualities. Oh ya, add family too. My family is important to me as are my children, but then again, you were addressing money. sandi in CA