Relationship Columns

Okay, I’ve been on this list long enough to feel that there is good advice to be found here and so I will post the problem that brought me here in the first place. The only thing is, I’m afraid if I start typing it, I will never stop and no one will read it because it’ll be ten pages long.

Been dating and living with my husband off and on for about 7 years. A very rocky relationship. The extreme highs were always enough to get us through the break-ups, the cheating, and all the other extreme lows we went through. Two years ago I got pregnant and we began presenting and considering ourselves married. I started using his name and we bought a house together. In order to facilitate the name-change, I asked him to go down to the courthouse with me and sign an "Informal Marriage License" which he did reluctantly. So now we are officially married.

The extreme highs are gone now and all we are left with are the extreme lows. He tells me I am the problem and everything is always my fault. I have tried very hard to do everything right, I walk on eggshells to keep from irritating him. But he isn’t happy with me and so I’m tired of trying. With neither of us trying, I don’t see how it can do anything but fail.

He has a vicious temper, though he’s never actually beat the crap out of me, he’s pulled hair, shoved. He’s thrown me out of the house in January with no shoes or jacket and told me to go sleep in my car (because I have no family or friends here, we recently moved across country for his job.)

Again, he recognizes that his behavior is wrong but he claims that it is my fault because I pissed him off. He feels like I got pregnant on purpose and forced him into marriage before he was ready. (The truth is, the pregnancy was an accident but he will never believe that.)

There is so much more to the story. I should leave him, or he should leave me but neither of us is willing to give up the child. Our son is 17 months old. My husband has threatened to kill me before letting me have him and he has also threatened to take him and disappear. I feel frozen by fear, I can’t risk losing my baby and I don’t want to die. I’ve been waiting, thinking it will be easier for us to split up when the baby is grown up more, maybe five or six. But things are getting bad and I don’t know if we can make it that much longer.

Some background info: I am the non-custodial mother of two other children so I know that mothers don’t always win custody battles and I know first hand how expensive and painful they are. I am not emotionally or financially ready for that yet. Like I said, I’m scared.

Finally, the most difficult part of the problem is that his personality disorders are only displayed to me. I can’t think of a single witness to any of his violent rages or threats. Everyone else thinks he’s a great guy and if I suddenly started making accusations that he did and said these things, I would be the one to look vindictive and everyone would think I was making it up. I can’t think of a way to get documented evidence of his behavior, though I did call the cops when he threw me out of the house.

Y’all, I’m a smart woman. I can’t for the life of me figure out how I got in such a stupid situation. As I said, our good times were very very good and I loved this man very much. I can’t believe that after five years I really didn’t know him.

Have you ever been with a partner who ran away from you — permanently or temporarily? Running from intimacy and from others is very common and happens in most relationships at various maturation points. Have you ever been with a partner who…

Yeah, I guess I never really explained that very well. I certainly never meant to say that I only look for beauty. But that’s all there is here. Have you ever heard a guy complain that there are just too damn many beautiful girls around? But beauty does not stand on its own. If I just went out and found a cute one to play with but was not interested in her, I would be just as lonely as I am now. Don’t get me wrong, I am interested in looks, nobody wants to date someone who they are not attracted to. Is an attractive girl with a personality just too much to expect?

I am very wary of personal ads, I don’t think I could ever place one. I have answered a couple of them, but the girls either never call back or else they just send me the address of their web page with all of their nude photos.

I have slowly been getting to know a girl who does seem very nice and we do have a lot in common. She seems to like me and also seems to be just as cautious as I am, so things move very slowly. She is much younger (23, and I’m 35) but that’s okay, it’s rare to find girls here who are over 30. My only fear is that she will use me as a stepping stone or something and then wind up playing her hand like all the other girls around. I have no idea where it is headed and I’m really afraid to push it any faster than it is going.

It is interesting that you mentioned and 20-somethings and all that. It reminded me of something that happened about 6 months ago. I was having a drink with a friend of mine (an older woman, about 60) at one of our favorite pubs in town. She asked me, "Why don’t young people date anymore? Everyone stays single." She said that when she was younger everyone always dated, it was the thing to do. I had no explanation for her at the time. But after thinking about it, it seems like no one wants to get involved because they are always holding out for something better. Nothing is ever good enough, they always want more. The best thing in the world could land right in their laps, and they would still want something better. I can’t help but think that our society creates attitudes like that by making people think that should always be pushing for more, getting a better job, driving a nicer car, etc. I’ve hiked a lot of mountains, and I can tell you that you aren’t going to see anything up over the next false peak that you can’t see from the one you are standing on right now.

Creating Intimacy to Keep the Flame Burning It is true that intimacy and relationship are two very differentwords. They have different meanings and present totallydifferent concepts. The tie that binds them to each other,however, is the…

Question: Am a male in my 50s who enjoys breast milk and adult breast feeding. Recently I approached a female who I know is very adventurist and has many sexual partners. At first she was interested in sharing her milk with me but after the first time she would not let me have another feeding. I am a gentle nurser and can not understand why she will not allow her milk to coat my throat?

Answer: We have already been through this with you before. I feel you have some issues that you need to look into as I said before. I think it’s tacky of you to assume that because a woman has a healthy sex life that she would engage in this behavior with you. If she has any self respect she wont.

Do you condemn all sexual fetishes out of hand, or just this one? Do you believe that having [a] sexual fetish[es] — or even accomodating those you do not personally share if they provide satisfaction for a partner — is necessarily a marker for lack of self-respect?? I find this attitude odd in the extreme in a mental-health professinal…unless perhaps you’re headed for the (IMO oxymoronic) field of "Christian Counseling"…?

Has made you insecure and jealous? Im more than 100% sure of myself when I say that you were not born that way, so something must have happened. For something to go this deep with you, you must look back in your life and determine what has made you this way. Then you must confront that thing head on.

What behaviors has this man shown you that would make you have these feelings? Looking back are you seeing that maybe you had no reason to be jealous over something?

You are going to have to come to terms with the knowledge that love has it’s risks including getting hurt, and your willing to take them because you DO love that person. If you would like ot answer this privately your more than welcome.

I wish I could wave my magic wand around and give you an attitude adjustment, but it doesn’t really work that way. This is something you will have to discipline yourself with. How old are you MAy I ask…did you say 23? You will learn. After losing some good friends, or frustrating family so terribly that they won’t want to deal with it anymore. I was the same way when I was younger. YOu must learn to relax is one thing. One of the things that makes a person this way is being up tight. Also learn to open your mind a little. Take some classes, it doesn’t matter what they are.

How did you come to conclusion that you were this way? Did people tell you, or did you just realize suddenly that you had this problem? Are there anyone else in your family like that? Im afraid without really knowing some more information, this is something that will have to take time and correction. WHat I mean by that is once you hear yourself being this way shut-up…think….then correct yourself and make amends with the person you started to jump on. This take a long time. Im still working on it. Know that everyone has their own ideas, and sometimes their opinions and answers may be more correct than your own.

There’s a story about this in the NT of the Christian Bible. I cant remember the book. But Jesus is lecturing and he says something to the effect " When you go to eat, do not sit at the head of the table, for take another seat at the end, for someone more important than you may come."

Sorry, but I have a real problem with that whole school of thought. Self-esteem is not a goal in itself, achieved in a vacuum. Respect is EARNED, and that goes double for SELF-respect. What earthly good is it to tell yourself how desirable you are when in all probability you are NOT — just like the rest of the Human race? We are all imperfect, and all the self-hypnosis/affirmations in the world will not change this. Further, trite as it sounds, relationships are made in pairs. You (in the general sense) may indeed be a great Partner for a lot of people, but this particular Partner may not be one of them. This is often attributable to neither Partner as an individual, but simply to the interactions between them.

Admittedly, taking THAT view cuts out all the Easy Answers to the Possessiveness Problem. Which is part of why my own panties are still in a bunch about my own possessiveness issues, but nevermind

I have been married for over 15 years, been with hubby since I was 16. Bringing up two kids etc and last year I returned to work in office environment.

Husband works from home so now I am out of the house three days a week. i used to be there all the time til last year.

This has given us endless trouble, i love my job but hubby hates it that I go out of the house, he is jealous of the friendships I have, in particular he is jealous of the close friendship that I have now with my boss.

I have reasurred and reasurred but he just can’t accept that I will continue to have this job. Ideally he would like me to stay at home, but if not that then he wants me to move jobs, which i dont want cause I am very happy doing what I do where I am.

Hubby is a lovely man about ten years older than me and rather old fashioned in some ways. He says that anyone would have difficulty accepting the friendship I have with my boss, but I dont see why and am not sure if I am being unreasonable to want to keep my friendship.

I am in a really bad relationship, we never talk anymore and all he does is drink and critize everything me and the kids do. I’ve know for a long time that I need to do something different, I just don’t have the money to up and leave, nor do I hve any family left. I have applied for housing assistance but that can take a while. The holidays are soon and I don’t know how to keep hanging in there until I get the resources together or needed to move. I have no friends because we just moved here. I don’t know what to do, I am so frustrated, he use to be a good man but he know devotes most of his energy and money to the bar, any suggestions, feel like just getting in the car and drive away………

in the car and drive away……… >> well, now that certainly wouldnt be the answer…

i have learned the hard way that running away from problems only serves to ferther aggrevate them… I know it seems hopeless but try talking to him…on the other hand the last thing you deserve is a relationship in which you are given no respect…..

Advice2:Anyways, what I would advise you to do is to get a job if you don’t alreally have one; save mpney and get out of the house and out of that realtionship if your not happy. No woman deserves to live in these conditions, and you need to free yourself form the situation. think about you kids, and yoursef, because even if you had family and friends around, faxce it, you are the only one that get yorself out of this situation.

Advice3:Hi. I think I’m in the same boat as you are. I’ve been married for over 15 years and our marriage although not arranged seem like it was because I had to marry an Asian guy even though I didn’t want to. You know to save face. And I did it just to please my family you know be a good girl. Anyway, lately my husband and I don’t talk anymore and I have been very unhappy. I feel my husband doesn’t understand me or is oblivious to it. He says he’s happy and doesn’t see why I’m unhappy. I’m working on finding a job and working on getting my credit cards paid off. I really want to leave. Oh, I have two children also so it’s been hard over the years. Today I even felt like walking out because I can’t take it anymore and just don’t like being around him. There are several other factors too: he gets upset with us if we don’t want to see a movie, he plays video games all the time, and sleeps alot during the day. And he’s kind of cheap when it comes to taking care of us…cheap with food but will spend money on other things that aren’t that important.

Oh, ‘n regarding my other posts about the other guy, we’re just friends and we’re both 40. We haven’t done anything but talk. He’s currently separated from his wife. He says he doesn’t mind me calling him but I don’t want to be a pest. He has also asked me to get away for a weekend with him so I can get away from this stuff. Like I want to call him now…but I’m holding off. He says he knows what I’m going through because he was just there and wish he had a friend to talk to during that time. You know as I’m writing this I feel so bummed…I don’t want to hurt my kids, 14 and 9.

What do I do? Anyway, I’m working on finding a job right away.